February 19, 2011

An Honest Look at My Personal Grief

I have been hesitant to share with you just how I am doing. Why? Well, I don't personally know everyone that visits my little place on the computer, but mainly because I really want you to think that I am okay.

And I am okay, but I still grieve for the sweet young man that God chose to take home just four short months ago. So, it is the middle of the night here - 4am to be exact - and I am wide awake again with thoughts of David running through my head. There are still tears, but now there are smiles, too and I wanted to share some of this process with you.

This picture is still hard to look at...for nearly 35 years we have been a family of 5, now we are a family of 4 - and the fact that we buried the baby first has been a hard thing to come to terms with for me. I don't care that we were never promised as long with David as we got, I still wanted more. However, in my grief, God has met me with the promise that He knew how long we would have David - Psalm 39:4 NIV
"Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life."

I remember while growing up in Christian school, we would laugh at friends that said they had memorized John 11:35 but during these last few months, I have not laughed at that verse, it has brought tremendous comfort to my aching heart and soul. It simply says, "Jesus wept." It is the passage talking about Jesus friend, Lazarus, that passed away. I believe Jesus knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead but He showed compassion and humanity for Lazarus family and friends in His tears. Then of course, the verse in Psalms 56 -Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll-- are they not in your record? My tears have been noticed by the God of the universe...and I rest in that promise!

I smile through the tears tonight as I think of the beautiful melody that David 'sang' when he would go to sleep and when he would stir in the middle of the night. I miss that music! I think of the belly laugh that he had, that literally shook the whole house. I'm thankful for the times that my children got to be part of that...like here:

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I was doing so much better. We have a friend who is having a baby and I decided to do some candlewicking for her baby gift. Only problem, it has been nearly 20 yrs since I've had my pattern book out and I really didn't know where to find it. I tore up the house looking for that book, and in the process came across a picture of me, David, CD and Mom on the Batman ride at Six Flags over Texas.

After finding that picture, in which I am holding David's hand, I sat and cried for hours! Those are the times when I am reminded that God is in the midst of my grief, in fact, His glory is greater than my grief. I have that on my cell phone, by the way. It looks like this: His Glory > my grief! I can say that because I truly believe Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I am blessed to have been David's big sister! I can see that through the tears and a smile right now. God has met me in my place of grief, and I have seen His Glory! I have the promise that one day, I will be reunited with David, in the presence of our great God! How awesome is that??? Philippians 3:20 NIV But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,

I'm still human, I'm still gonna cry, I still miss my baby brother. But I'm okay.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow....

God's healing girl,



Anonymous said...

Oh Pamela. You know that you will see him again and that is the hope that you must hold onto. He seemed like such a precious person and the tender way that you describe him always touches my heart. Though you don't know why God chose now to take him home, you DO not that He turns beauty into ashes. Draw closer to God and He will draw closer to you. Perhaps this is how He is saying, "I love you, Pamela! And I am grieving with you, but know that David is here with Me and we are waiting for you..." He feels your pain, my precious Sister. And you are right, you mentioned that you don't know who reads your blog. God may be using your words right now to comfort someone in a similar situation. He is bigger and His love is greater than we can comprehend :) Take comfort, Pamela. Enjoy and treasure your memories, isn't that what dear David would wish?

With you, in Christ,

Anonymous said...

This is so good baby. And you said a lot of what I feel. thank you darling for being willing to let God use you. I love you sweet baby girl.

Pen to Paper; Spirit to Soul said...

Mom, I am honored to use my little space to glorify God and remember David. We have been blessed!
I love you!

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

my heart is heavy for you my friend - i have a baby brother (40 years old) and i just know the love that you must have felt for yours. i am praying that God will continue to reach down and minister a touch to your spirit.

love you -

Brooke Driver said...

I feel so guilty and cry because they were that close to us for years, adn I never really had the time or means to get over to see them, and now my children have missed out on an opportunity to have a relationship with my uncle/their great-uncle whom I loved dearly and I am overwhelmed at the thought that no matter how few and far between our visits were HE NEVER FORGOT WHO I WAS! I miss what could have been and the relationship those 2 babies could have had for however breif a time it would have been that I never got to give them. Most of all I just wish I had more time and had given more effort into seeing him BEFORE he got as sick as he was when we finally could see him. I'm sorry we have not been able to have as much of a relationship with my side of the family (you, Mom, Jenn, and my grandparents) as I have had with the other parts of my family and hope one day there will be a solution to this issue that we can come up with, because I want my daughter and son to know ALL OF YA'LL! I love you all so very much!

Pen to Paper; Spirit to Soul said...

Brooke, honey, you have always had a special place in our hearts...you will not be forgotten! Hope we can spend that time together!

Anonymous said...

Sissy, It's just you and me now. The void David left will never go away, but at least we have each other to lean on. I love you very, very much and am glad I still have you here on this earth to treasure. We will be reunited with Davo one day. Until then, you know I'm here for you and I love you!!!