October 22, 2008

What is the Message?

This will probably be a long blog, so go get a cup of coffee or tea and join me for awhile! I have had something on my heart for a few days and a local news story last night has really added to the heaviness. I will not say that I have the answer....I don't! I am still working through a process of understanding truly following God with my whole heart and I feel this is just a part of that process.

God graciously blessed our home with two beautiful daughters. We were young when they came along, both physically and in our marriage. I learned I was pregnant with DD1 within weeks of my 21st birthday. We had not yet celebrated our first wedding anniversary.

By the time Bunny entered our lives three years later, we were older but I'm not sure we were wiser. During my pregnancy with her is when our marriage began to unravel....or at least what I thought was our marriage. It took a year and a half for the secret to unfold between us, and then we had a 4 yr old and a 9 mo old and a huge elephant in the house!

While we were preparing to wed, I had made the statement that I did not want three children, I am the middle of three. I had said it was either two or four, I would not have one stuck in the middle! My dear hubs is an only and some of you can imagine how that played out in our marriage...middle of three used to sharing everything and an only that didn't even have to share his bathroom!

So, when Bunny was 10 mo old, I had my tubes tied! I did not want another pregnancy...it became a real and serious fear for me! With all that I had gone through in Bunny's pregnancy and then our marriage struggling under a huge secret after she was born, I just could not imagine doing it all again.

After DD1 was born, we were asked by family friends if we were going to 'try' again and a response from a very close family member still haunts me. He said, "When you do it right the first time, you don't have to try again." I did it 'right' the first time, God gave me a beautiful, healthy baby girl that has grown into a wonderful young lady that truly seeks God with all of her heart! I did it 'right' the second time, too, when God gave me a beautiful healthy baby girl that has now become an absolutely awesome teenager that is still searching how to live in light of God's grace.

I was later told how I had disappointed a family member by not 'trying' to have a boy...as if that was the only reason to have children! How many girls would it have taken for this person to become happy with herself and not pin all hopes on a boy?

Do I regret having my tubes tied? NO
I know dear hubs Grandmother asked if I felt I needed to ask forgiveness for having the surgery...and I didn't. Knowing who we were at that time in our lives, I don't think our marriage could have survived a third child...it came really close to being over with just the two. The struggles in our marriage were not about our children, it was secrets we had both brought into our marriage, not having learned how to process through some tragedies of our childhoods.

Well, the news story that broke last night started like this....Baptist preacher says birth control is 'murder' . The news story can be found at WFAA. This morning I looked up the full chapel session where this was preached.

I understand the heart of the man's message, I really do. However, in his zeal I think perhaps he did not fully get across all that he wanted to. I know that hubs and I do not have a quiver full of children, according to Ps 127:5 and that is his scripture reference.

I also know couples that have never been able to have children, and some of those have chosen to live as just a couple. One couple I know has time to work in the yard every Saturday...no b-ball games or band activities. They change out the decor in their home according to holiday or season. She has a craft room that she only shares with the piano. Would I want her life? NO WAY!!! I think I would be bored to tears!

I also know couples that God has blessed with 5 and 6 children. Their house is always hopping! Am I jealous? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!

I know this may be hard to follow...as I said, I am still trying to process this myself. However, I feel this is one of those issues of the heart! God knows our frame. And our frame of mind. His grace is sufficient for where we are.

I guess my question is two fold. First, how do you feel about the message being portrayed in the news cast? Second, are you someone that sees a large family coming and asks, "Don't they know what causes that?" or do you see a childless couple and think how selfish they must be to not want children?

I know in my own life, I have felt both ways. I know God is calling me to a higher standard of grace, by not judging people on the surface.

I can also say I am so thankful for the two precious children God did give me.

I am also thankful that our marriage has survived and that we truly love each other more now than we did 20 yrs ago. I am thankful to know that God has continued to draw us together in unity for His glory over the past 5 yrs.

If you have waded through this with me, THANK YOU! I hope on some level it makes sense. I know God is drawing me closer to Him and I am really trying to learn how to love according to Luke 10:27.

I pray your day is blessed!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow....(especially my daughters!)

God's girl, Pamela

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My goodness, you've been through alot